Praying for families in recovery today.

 “Family connection is harm reduction.” Michael Nolan

It’s Thursday and a great day for recovery for your family. No one said it would be easy but anything good is worth working towards. Yes, a day at a time, as speculating about the future can be overwhelming. Praying for anyone who needs a jump-start, anyone hitting a wall, and anyone who has the glow of finally getting it and overcoming, today.

Change comes. Change hurts, sometimes. Change must occur for help to come. A phrase I use a lot it seems is “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” It’s recovery related and can mean, if you keep doing the same old things expecting different results, it’s not going to happen. Change is essential to life. And life as we know it, will never be the same, it seems. But it can be better in Jesus’ name.

Just as there is no "one way" to recovery, there is no one way to be their family, either. My motto is "Do what you can live with." Some days I can live with what would be entirely impossible to live with for an entire life. That's why we do it one day at a time. In my case and many others, it's with the Lord. So let His praise ever be on our lips this day as we pray for those in a recovery walk and those who need to be. Open their eyes to reality and that there is always help available if they want to be well.

What it Means to be a Family Member of a Person with a Substance Use Disorder

 

 

What it Means to be a Family Member of a Person with a Substance Use Disorder

By

Donna Collins Tinsley

 

Substance Use Disorder* (SUD) comes in all shapes and sizes. There is no “one way” to describe it, and as for most of us it is a family disease. Each person in every family is unique. The way they relate to life and living their journey is unique. You can have two children, raised by the same parents, and one will have SUD and the other never touches alcohol or drugs. Sometimes it is said to be genetic, it definitely seems to run in families. Siblings react differently and they experience trauma also, expressed sometimes in similar ways as the user. Anxiety runs high in many families.

 

As Wynonna Judd used to say “Each person looks out their window, riding in the same car, and sees different scenery.” That’s how families are, sometimes. They see and act on things differently; one sibling’s thought on their childhood may sound like they grew up with totally different parents.

 

I’ve set myself on a journey, a long time ago, to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. I’ve had to change a lot of things about myself, because, God only knows, we can’t change others. I’m learning new things. I’ve gone from “tough love” to boundaries that are reasonable, and sometimes, I have to say, back to riding that same merry-go-round again. I’m learning that language matters, as well as kindness matters. Sometimes, taking a deep breath, breathing and praying are the only things that can ease my anxiety.

 

I’m more about treating people the way I’d like to be treated and minding my own business. Or at least I try to.  I’ve gleaned quotes and beautiful writings from so many who are online friends and also my Al-Anon buddies. I’ve even learned things from people in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. I have a beautiful friend, Bert Drews, who is about 93 and he lights up my life, as well as the lives of other people who he comes in contact with. He has been working various 12-Step programs for over 55 years.

 

There are very few families who have not been affected by SUD. You can be rich, you can be poor, educated or uneducated, from the lowest paying job to the White House, as Betty Ford so aptly showed us. It affects all kinds of families.

 

In my life, I’ve seen grandparents, parents, children and even my own grandchildren succumb to this disease. Whether they live with you or not, it affects your family. My own family has wrestled with alcohol misuse, as well as drug misuse. Mental illness issues can come about with use as well. There have been times when we didn’t know where some of our family members were for weeks or months at a time. SUD brings anxiety to families as they watch their loved ones go on what looks like an endless cycle of pain.

 

The good news is there is so much help available right now that wasn’t there some years back. The Volusia Recovery Alliance has so many resources on their web page: treatment programs, in-patient, out-patient, housing, meetings and so much more. They took up the cause that the Substance Abuse Task Force began many years back.

Blaine Sonny Curran once said, “You can suffer the pain of change, or suffer remaining the way you are.”

Changes in our lives and family come with the cost of hard work and perseverance.

Online, there is Thrive! Family Addiction Support, started by Pam Jones Lanhart, a program that uses the CRAFT method or the Invitation to Change, (ITC) and has helped thousands of people. Pam is one of our mothers at Somebody’s Mother Online Prayer Support Group and she has helped thousands of people. She recently endured the pain of losing her dear youngest son, yet she still presses on to encourage people to love well. She is a light in a dark world.

CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach to Family Training) originated at the University of New Mexico and was developed by Robert Meyers, Ph.D. and colleagues.

 

CRAFT teaches family members how to:

Identify their loved one’s triggers for and results of their use.

Break the patterns that lead to or increase a loved one’s drinking or using.

Develop and improve communication skills to more effectively express their needs and requests.

Help their loved one access effective addiction treatment resources when they express interest in treatment.

Learn or re-learn how to take care of themselves and reconnect with their values so that, regardless of their loved one’s use, they can still lead a life that is centered on their values and not their loved one’s drug/alcohol use.

If violence or the potential for violence exists, help family members identify triggers for violence and develop plans to keep themselves (and their children) safe. (From https://helpingfamilieshelp.com/about-craft/)

 

CRAFT empowers you to make changes to your own life. You’ll learn ways to help your loved one stop or reduce his/her drug or alcohol use and how to live your life better instead of always concentrating on your loved one’s addiction. Instead of “steps” you will learn skills that you can use at various times and in various situations. The goal being, I believe, that your loved one will want to get help on their own, because you have learned to love better, in a healthier way of relating to them. If, as sometimes happens anyway, a death occurs, you will have less regrets than if you used a more aggressive or confrontational approach.   

 

Really there is so much online that I could write all day. So, there is help if someone is looking for it. I was reminded of extra resources from Cathy Hartman, so I’ll post more resources at the bottom of this page

 

I am a family member of a person with a Substance Use Disorder. One day I hope we will have all conquered this and we will be a “picture perfect” family. Until that time I will commit myself to being a role model of a person who is learning to take care of themselves, learning to enjoy the life that I have and love the people in my family. Regardless of what their journey looks like at the moment.

 

*Substance use disorder occurs when a person's use of alcohol or another substance (drug) leads to health issues or problems at work, school, or home. This disorder is also called substance abuse. The exact cause of substance use disorder is not known.

Other Resources:

Alcoholics Anonymous

AL-Anon

Narcotics Anonymous

Nar-Anon

SMART RECOVERY

SMART RECOVERY FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Volusia Recovery Alliance https://volusiarecoveryalliance.org/?fbclid=IwAR2WIO9F40JbwEVl7CmFwYLdE9w4kVkce56MyEH9kNATkB4al8hSgTtsqZU

Thrive! Family Addiction Support https://thrivefamilyrecoveryresources.org/?fbclid=IwAR1myyUdQcoo8vH9-JtkRC3maOzdpdvRwLWHmmIQD_lLn2nSldtAXDoybEY

Partnership to End Addiction ("The nation’s leading organization dedicated to addiction prevention, treatment and recovery, we are a diverse community of researchers, advocates, clinicians, communicators and more.”)

 https://drugfree.org  resources also for parents, including Parent Coaching from Peers.

CMC: Foundation for Change (https://cmcffc.org) 

Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) The Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) was originally developed by Mary Ellen Copeland and a group of mental health service users who wanted to work on their own recovery – this is what they found worked for them and what helped them recover from their mental health difficulties. www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/WRAP.pdf

On Facebook there is the Silver Linings group https://www.facebook.com/groups/silverliningssupportgroup

Why Don’t They Just Quit group. https://www.facebook.com/ChangingLivesFoundation/

Somebody’s Mother Online Prayer Support Group (a private Facebook group that joins with you in prayers for your family.) https://www.facebook.com/groups/119408188089314

I know this is a limited list, but it is more than I intended to post when I first had the idea for this subject. Online there are many other resources, and I welcome hearing what works for you and your family. There are a lot of things that our family has gone through over the years but I didn’t feel the need to post everything. I’m very willing to talk to you personally, though, if you email me at:

Thornrose7@aol.com with RECOVERY  in the subject line.

Restore Them to You

 Thursdays we focus on recovery and small groups, praying that each one would find one that will help them on their journey. Churches, Celebrate Recovery, Al-Anon and AA, NA groups; any gathering or ZOOM meeting that keeps people from isolating in their pain becomes a source of healing. It's a great day for recovery in the State of FL.

This is a song, a friend of mine< Stephen Scheffler, sang and produced from a poem I wrote many years ago. I've been in this battle with one family member or another for over 30 years. May you all have a glorious day, a song and a prayer that Jesus will keep you in His care:

Our theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEzbIrTF5KE&t=132s

Feeling overwhelmed? God has got it covered. Call; his line is never busy and He won't put you on hold: Jeremiah 33:3 (AMP) "You can't do it on your own. Call to Me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, fenced in and hidden, which you do not know (do not distinguish and recognize, have knowledge of and understand)."

“Spend time with those you love. One of these days you will either say, I wish I had or I’m glad I did.” Zig Ziglar

From "It's Your Time:"

"God always has the final say. He is a God of justice. God sees every wrong that's ever been done to you. He see every unfair situation. He says if you will stay in faith, if you'll keep your hopes, He will make your wrongs right. He will bring justice into your life.

Your attitude should be, It may have been unfair. They may have done me wrong. But I refuse to get bitter. I know my time is coming." Joel Osteen

Taking that first step towards wholeness can be hard for some.

From TRAUMA AND THE 12 STEPS we read: “Many individuals who have recovered from addictions contend that having structure was an absolutely critical element in making this change happen.” This goes along with the idea of making a new life.

A Decidedly Different Christmas Message: “You’re Such a Mother!”

The word of the Lord: But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

“Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, His mother, for the fall and rising of many in Israel and for a sign which shall be spoken against (yes, a sword will pierce through your own soul also) that the hearts of many may be revealed.” Luke 2:34-35

“You’re such a mother!” she said as she put her arms around me. I was at a support group and my friend and I often would just look at each other and start crying. Sometimes it seemed we could feel each other’s pain. The pains of being the mother of people struggling in addictions, pains of being a part of dysfunctional families, and just the pain of living life in general at times was enough to make us cry. We knew members of our group who had lost loved ones throughout the years and we hurt for them.

Maybe it was just the relief of coming to a quiet room where we didn’t have to be strong for anyone. A room where we could just sit and listen, have peace and serenity, maybe that is what brought the stream of tears from our eyes. Sometimes when I saw my friend weep I would think of my own daughters. Hearing her share made me think how some of my own daughters just might be feeling the way she felt right then, broken and hurting, and thinking that their mother misunderstood them. It was always a prayer prompt and I would pray that there would be someone there for them, when I couldn’t be the one to help bind their wounds; another mother standing in for me to give them a hug and some mother’s love.

You’re such a mother!” Although being a “good mother” had always been in my heart I had failed at that endeavor early on. The funny thing is, though as much as I failed I would have people coming up to me in my later years, saying crazy things like, “Oh you’re a good mom.” Many times I have heard even people older than I was, saying “You remind me of my mother,” and it would be in a sweet way. When grown men that I barely knew started calling me "Mom" at conferences I realized deep in my spirit that it was the gift of God to me. His love and His hand can redeem that person who has failed miserably and still continues to fail. That He knows deep in my heart there is a "Mom" thing going on. That our Lord is the Lord of the second chance and third and fourth chance. That there is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still (Corrie Ten Boom.)

 Because of these things I created The Somebody’s Mother Online Prayer Support Group,” so that everyone can have the prayers of "somebody’s mother. "

A few years back a woman who had gone on many pilgrimages and is a woman of prayer laid hands on my head and prayed that I would receive whatever God had given her. She had a beautiful story to tell of a rock she had picked up on her journey that depicted the story of Jesus. She also had visions of Mother Mary and the pain she felt being the earthly mother of our Lord. Trust me if you are a mother you will endure pain of some sort along life’s way. I believe that she imparted somewhat of a mother’s heart to me that day and it is a worthy thing to obtain. But a mother’s heart can also be painful as it is broken over and over again. And the funny thing is, when God imparts such a gift to a woman she doesn’t even have be a mother to have this kind of heart. She can be a sponsor, sister, youth worker or a daughter but this heart can rise up in her to love and defend to the end those the Lord puts in her path.

“You’re such a mother!” In this day and age a statement like that can be profane, yet I choose to call it divine.  

Prayer: Lord, you know how much we would like to hide at times from the pain of life, especially when it involves our children. Help us instead to steer them to the blessings that are in our daily lives and the Season before us.

Thought for the Day: Sometimes as parents we bleed for our children when we see them go through painful situations.

Prayer Focus: Families in pain during the holidays.

My friend Kim, Al-anon, Celebrate Recovery, The Addict’s Mom Facebook Group and most of all Jesus inspired my

“Decidedly Different Christmas message.” 

Thanks to all of you and Merry Christmas!

Donna Collins Tinsley

Christmas 2011

You are welcome to join The Somebody’s Mother Online Prayer Support Group (on Facebook) if you haven’t joined alreadyJ

Or sign up to follow my blog at http://thornrose7.blogspot.com/

Broken People

Many people are broken and hurting and need love, prayers and support groups. I belong to several groups and find hope and healing in each one. The Winning Women Bible Study group where the ladies held me up in prayer for years, was the first group. Several years ago I joined another group as mentioned in the article and I now am happy to be a part of Celebrate Recovery. My husband, Bill, teaches a recovery message at Men of Destiny in St. Cloud, FL. Recovery is alive and well in the State of Florida:)
Thanks to Beth Patch at CBN.com for including me, today. There are some great resources on this site for hurting and broken people!

Somebody’s Daughter Program to "Make a difference in our community"

In honor of “Make a Difference Day” I am posting an idea I had many years ago for a way that people in churches could help women in need of recovery. I will be sending out church letters to some local churches; it is something the Lord put on my heart about 8 years ago when I was first writing the book, “Somebody’s Daughter."

Make a Difference Day /Somebody’s Daughter Program
I am a mother who is concerned about drug usage and rehabilitation in the state of Florida. My burden is especially for women who have been on a cycle of drug abuse, jail, treatment and relapse. It seems to me there are more resources for men coming out of jail than for women, and even less caring community help for older women who may have children or have led more of a “street life.”

As a woman and a mother I am familiar with the problem. I have a 43-year-old daughter who has a history of incarcerations in the Volusia County Correctional Facility. She has been in this cycle off and on for over 20 years. I’m sure that, if she could, my daughter would go back and erase the time she took the first narcotic. But sadly my ex-husband was the one who first gave drugs to our daughter. He was a pedophile who started her on the downward spiral of addiction. Although I have tried implementing parts of this program with her I find that sometimes mentoring by someone outside of the family can have a greater impact and success. She is drug free over 2 years now and has made great strides in her life. She is often asked to be a speaker at Recovery programs and is a member of several programs. She works the steps through personal groups, NA and AA groups.

I have been trying to think of ways for the community to help without having to depend on the State for a lot of financial aid. I believe a challenge to faith based organizations and churches might provide an outreach in conjunction with treatment programs. I would like to see church members, willing and trained, to do the type of mentoring that mends lives and also saves the taxpayers money.
On the attached excerpt from my writing, I offer some thoughts that perhaps you might consider when you have the opportunity to challenge the members of your church or faith-based organization in outreach and mentoring.

I wrote a book called “Somebody’s Daughter.” As women, each of us is somebody’s daughter, and each family has their own painful reasons for the things they do. I may not be able to help my daughter, I may not be able to help your daughter, but by God’s grace, we can all help “Somebody’s Daughter.” I welcome input into this idea, as I don’t feel the Lord has given me the whole picture yet on this idea. In the past years I wrote First Lady Columba Bush when they were in office, as I thought it might be beneficial for her daughter, Noelle, to have a way to give back to the community. I also wrote First Lady Laura Bush for her input and may be sending a letter to First Lady Obama. As far as I can see this would not be something that would cost the state anything as each church member would see it as a way to become a volunteer or a “point of light” in their community.

I would welcome your thoughts by e-mail: Thornrose7@aol.com

Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,
Donna Collins Tinsley

Somebody’s Daughter Program

We want to broaden welfare reform by making it easier for faith-based groups to be involved in the tackling of hopelessness and despair.
From a campaign letter, 2002, President Bush

For many years the Lord has put something in my heart concerning churches helping women caught in the addiction, jail and treatment cycle. I believe if many churches in a city would commit to “adopt” a wounded woman (one woman per church) we would see a better chance at true recovery. There seem to be many programs for men when they get out of jail and not as many for women (An example is FL/GA area Teen Challenge programs have eight in-house facilities: six are for men). They sometimes turn to their old lifestyle patterns sooner because they have less support. Or they are more able to find a man to support them in their old habit.

Many times on WAPN “Prayer Line” and in the community I have heard people say they are ready to be there for the men when they get out of jail. There are a lot more treatment centers for men and more “Teen Challenge” centers also. Yet the women are very needy. They may have lost everything including children. My daughter did, but is now finding the Lord’s favor & recovery.

I say, “adopt” because I believe adoption is in the heart of God. We can go to Him and say “Abba Father,” because He has adopted us. It is a true love relationship. The reason I suggest one church, one woman is because if the whole church could share the burden of mentoring and providing support services to that one woman, it would not be so hard on a few families or Christian brothers or sisters. People in recovery need to be with loving, responsible people so they don’t have idle time. They also need to be in family situations instead of relationships where their “user mode” kicks in and they find themselves in a sexual situation or temptation.

A woman in recovery needs a lot of encouragement, but she needs practical things also, such as transportation to NA, AA or Overcomers Meetings, or to a job. They need to learn to become responsible and how to use their time wisely. They need to learn to give, as their life has become very self-centered. Their habit has called out to them to be filled, and that has been their main focus. They have forgotten what it is like to be part of a family or how to interact with their loved ones. They need to be with safe people. But they also need to be safe and not toxic to people. If this has been a long cycle of drug usage, they have used people instead of loving them. They need help to find their way back. H. B. London and Neil Wiseman give an answer they believe will help children in our society. In the book, “It Takes a Church…Within A Village” that answer can work perfectly for the wounded woman also. I have inserted “wounded women” where they had children written in the original text. The question was “What must the church do?"
The church is being called and challenged to deal with a void in our society. “Wounded women” need more tightknit, trusted, nurturing relationships. “Wounded women” need adults who can model Christ for them and introduce them to a loving Savior. In a world today where women grow up with so much violence hatred, anger abuse, neglect, and so many evils, the church must become the village that creates, establishes and lives out Christian values. The church must become the most meaningful fellowship that exists to meet the needs of our decaying society.

This is a complex subject, and I don’t believe the Lord has finished showing me what He wants in the matter. From my research, I feel asking for recommendations from the local treatment centers or recovery centers (Such as The Haven, Serenity House or Avenues 12) for names of those women that they think may follow through with help from the community. That may be the best place to find that one woman your church would choose to adopt. The concept is not “village mentality,” but it is putting recovery where it belongs: within the body of believers. There is no healing that is permanent except through the Lord. But I believe willing people working together can help a “wounded woman” become an Overcomer. Remember when you help a daughter you are helping a mother also. After all these years with this in my heart, I am also open to churches using the plan for a “Somebody’s Son” outreach also.

Donna Collins Tinsley 2010 Book addendum

10/23/10

386 756-5553

thornrose7@aol.com Please put “Somebody’s Daughter” as the subject.