What
it Means to be a Family Member of a Person with a Substance Use Disorder
By
Donna
Collins Tinsley
Substance Use Disorder* (SUD) comes in all shapes and
sizes. There is no “one way” to describe it, and as for most of us it is a
family disease. Each person in every family is unique. The way they relate to
life and living their journey is unique. You can have two children, raised by
the same parents, and one will have SUD and the other never touches alcohol or
drugs. Sometimes it is said to be genetic, it definitely seems to run in
families. Siblings react differently and they experience trauma also, expressed
sometimes in similar ways as the user. Anxiety runs high in many families.
As Wynonna Judd used to say “Each person looks out
their window, riding in the same car, and sees different scenery.” That’s how
families are, sometimes. They see and act on things differently; one sibling’s
thought on their childhood may sound like they grew up with totally different
parents.
I’ve set myself on a journey, a long time ago, to be
part of the solution and not part of the problem. I’ve had to change a lot of
things about myself, because, God only knows, we can’t change others. I’m
learning new things. I’ve gone from “tough love” to boundaries that are
reasonable, and sometimes, I have to say, back to riding that same
merry-go-round again. I’m learning that language matters, as well as kindness
matters. Sometimes, taking a deep breath, breathing and praying are the only
things that can ease my anxiety.
I’m more about treating people the way I’d like to be
treated and minding my own business. Or at least I try to. I’ve gleaned quotes and beautiful writings
from so many who are online friends and also my Al-Anon buddies. I’ve even
learned things from people in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. I
have a beautiful friend, Bert Drews, who is about 93 and he lights up my life,
as well as the lives of other people who he comes in contact with. He has been working
various 12-Step programs for over 55 years.
There are very few families who have not been affected
by SUD. You can be rich, you can be poor, educated or uneducated, from the
lowest paying job to the White House, as Betty Ford so aptly showed us. It
affects all kinds of families.
In my life, I’ve seen grandparents, parents, children
and even my own grandchildren succumb to this disease. Whether they live with
you or not, it affects your family. My own family has wrestled with alcohol misuse,
as well as drug misuse. Mental illness issues can come about with use as well. There
have been times when we didn’t know where some of our family members were for
weeks or months at a time. SUD brings anxiety to families as they watch their
loved ones go on what looks like an endless cycle of pain.
The good news is there is so much help available right
now that wasn’t there some years back. The Volusia Recovery Alliance has so
many resources on their web page: treatment programs, in-patient, out-patient,
housing, meetings and so much more. They took up the cause that the Substance
Abuse Task Force began many years back.
Blaine Sonny Curran once said, “You can suffer the
pain of change, or suffer remaining the way you are.”
Changes in our lives and family come with the cost of
hard work and perseverance.
Online, there is Thrive! Family Addiction Support,
started by Pam Jones Lanhart, a program that uses the CRAFT method or the
Invitation to Change, (ITC) and has helped thousands of people. Pam is one of
our mothers at Somebody’s Mother Online Prayer Support Group and she has helped
thousands of people. She recently endured the pain of losing her dear youngest
son, yet she still presses on to encourage people to love well. She is a light
in a dark world.
CRAFT (Community Reinforcement Approach to Family
Training) originated at the University of New Mexico and was developed by
Robert Meyers, Ph.D. and colleagues.
CRAFT teaches family members how to:
Identify their loved one’s triggers for and results of
their use.
Break the patterns that lead to or increase a loved
one’s drinking or using.
Develop and improve communication skills to more
effectively express their needs and requests.
Help their loved one access effective addiction
treatment resources when they express interest in treatment.
Learn or re-learn how to take care of themselves and
reconnect with their values so that, regardless of their loved one’s use, they
can still lead a life that is centered on their values and not their loved
one’s drug/alcohol use.
If violence or the potential for violence exists, help
family members identify triggers for violence and develop plans to keep
themselves (and their children) safe. (From https://helpingfamilieshelp.com/about-craft/)
CRAFT empowers you to make changes to your own
life. You’ll learn ways to help your loved one stop or reduce his/her drug or
alcohol use and how to live your life better instead of always concentrating on
your loved one’s addiction. Instead of “steps” you will learn skills that you
can use at various times and in various situations. The goal being, I believe,
that your loved one will want to get help on their own, because you have
learned to love better, in a healthier way of relating to them. If, as
sometimes happens anyway, a death occurs, you will have less regrets than if
you used a more aggressive or confrontational approach.
Really there is so much online that I could write all
day. So, there is help if someone is looking for it. I was reminded of extra
resources from Cathy Hartman, so I’ll post more resources at the bottom of this
page
I am a family member of a person with a Substance Use
Disorder. One day I hope we will have all conquered this and we will be a “picture
perfect” family. Until that time I will commit myself to being a role model of
a person who is learning to take care of themselves, learning to enjoy the life
that I have and love the people in my family. Regardless of what their journey
looks like at the moment.
*Substance
use disorder occurs when a person's use of alcohol or another
substance (drug) leads to health issues or problems at work, school, or home.
This disorder is also called substance abuse. The exact cause of substance use
disorder is not known.
Other
Resources:
Alcoholics Anonymous
AL-Anon
Narcotics Anonymous
Nar-Anon
SMART RECOVERY
SMART RECOVERY FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Volusia Recovery Alliance
https://volusiarecoveryalliance.org/?fbclid=IwAR2WIO9F40JbwEVl7CmFwYLdE9w4kVkce56MyEH9kNATkB4al8hSgTtsqZU
Thrive!
Family Addiction Support
https://thrivefamilyrecoveryresources.org/?fbclid=IwAR1myyUdQcoo8vH9-JtkRC3maOzdpdvRwLWHmmIQD_lLn2nSldtAXDoybEY
Partnership
to End Addiction ("The nation’s leading organization dedicated to
addiction prevention, treatment and recovery, we are a diverse community of
researchers, advocates, clinicians, communicators and more.”)
https://drugfree.org resources also
for parents, including Parent Coaching from Peers.
CMC:
Foundation for Change (https://cmcffc.org)
Wellness
Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) The Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) was
originally developed by Mary Ellen Copeland and a group of mental health
service users who wanted to work on their own recovery – this is what they
found worked for them and what helped them recover from their mental health
difficulties. www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/WRAP.pdf
On Facebook there is the Silver Linings group https://www.facebook.com/groups/silverliningssupportgroup
Why Don’t They Just Quit group.
https://www.facebook.com/ChangingLivesFoundation/
Somebody’s Mother Online Prayer Support Group (a
private Facebook group that joins with you in prayers for your family.) https://www.facebook.com/groups/119408188089314
I know this is a limited list, but it is more than I
intended to post when I first had the idea for this subject. Online there are
many other resources, and I welcome hearing what works for you and your family.
There are a lot of things that our family has gone through over the years but I
didn’t feel the need to post everything. I’m very willing to talk to you
personally, though, if you email me at:
Thornrose7@aol.com
with RECOVERY in the subject line.
