Are You Waiting on Amends or Making Them? Dysfunctional R Us

Dysfunctional R Us/Don't want to be but it is what it is:) Maybe you are too.

Making amends  can be so many things and in so many ways. I'd always pictured it very complex which led to me putting them off. I went to seminars at a conference, took people aside, asked questions but still felt at a loss about how to proceed. Then one day recently, quite to my surprise, my oldest daughter said, "Come in with me," and in her bedroom sitting on a bed together, she said, “I'm making my amends. I'm sorry for all the things I've done to hurt you, I don't even know what all they are but I know I've hurt you. My sponsor said I don't have to be specific or make it complicated. I'm sorry. And I want you to have my seven year chip from NA.”

I looked into her beautiful eyes and saw sincerity. I saw happiness, acceptance, gratefulness and joy with her new life. I saw love. I hope she saw all those things reflected back from me.  I felt a bit overwhelmed and nearly felt  like this was unreal as it was something I had waited for, but it seemed to be some vague dream or hope. When she gave me the Narcotics Anonymous chip my tears streamed out of my eyes. She had done the hard work of staying sober for over seven years and that was priceless to me. That's something that a lot of people don't attain to.

When I first came into a recovery program I had no idea about the true work and time it takes to work the steps. I was pretty sure within the time it took for my daughter and her husband to finish at the treatment center this would happen.

I remember a day when I was visiting them that I got so frustrated that I, a person who rarely ever raises her voice, started hollering "Step eight, step eight, step  eight!" I was so clueless I even had the step wrong! Step 8 is making a list and being willing to make amends and step nine is making amends.

Then I started working the steps myself. I really wanted to just go fast and get to making amends and have it over with. But I went through some equally hard years as the reality of our life set in and life wasn’t always easy.

I’ve found out something about myself; I want to take the easy way out of so many things. As a sexual abuse overcomer sometimes I feel that life has been too hard already. Let me have some peace until it’s over and I can go be with my Lord. Just let me have a no-conflict zone, let me have serenity on earth and in my home. Let my boundaries be such that I don’t have to deal with those who might hurt me with their words. Let me love, let me laugh again, let me have happy family times and one day, please Lord, let me have that cherished family photo where we are all together and happy.

 I’m learning to take things one day at a time. Give us this day, our daily bread, our daily provision of grace. Give us peace, give us sanity, give us a caring heart, and help me not to live my life bleeding from the pain of life. Help me to not hurry the process as it is what it is until it isn't. Help me to have a grateful heart, thinking of all my blessings instead of all my fears.

Recovery from family dysfunction is a process; I'm learning that there is no one set way that these things have to be worked. I'm hoping that things can be flexible enough to take into account real life scenarios that need to happen sometimes before we thought they should happen. Does that make any sense?

Pray. Listen. Ask the Holy Spirit. Do the hard work of recovery. Be flexible and kind. Don't let anger stay with you. Forgive quickly and easily. Try not to dwell in or on the past. Pray some more and then when you feel the spirit's touch make your amends. It will make you happy and someone else happy too.

PS My daughter made amends after reading this text I think from NA book. I think it is very good:

 Basic Text, p. 41 ––––=–––– As long as we still owe amends, our spirits are cluttered with things we don’t need. We’re carrying the extra load of an apology owed, a resentment held, or unexpressed remorse. It’s like having a messy house. We could leave so we don’t have to see the mess, or maybe just step over the piles of debris and pretend they aren’t there. But ignoring the disorder won’t make it disappear. In the end, the dirty dishes, the crumb-filled carpet, and the overflowing wastebaskets are still there, waiting to be cleaned up. A cluttered spirit is just as hard to live with as a messy home. We always seem to be tripping over yesterday’s leavings. Every time we turn around and try to go somewhere, there is something blocking our path. The more we neglect our responsibility to make amends, the more cluttered our spirits become. And we can’t even hire someone to clean up. We have to do the work ourselves. We gain a deep sense of satisfaction from making our own amends. Just as we would feel after we’ve cleaned our homes and have time to enjoy a bit of sunshine through sparkling windows, so will our spirits rejoice at our freedom to truly enjoy our recovery. And once the big mess is cleaned up, all we have to do is pick up after ourselves as we go along. ––––=––––

Just for today: I will clear away what’s cluttering my spirit by making the amends I owe

You are going to Love "The Sights and Sounds of Enabling"

"The Sights and Sounds of Enabling" Is the first ebooklet of the Putting the Spotlight On series, written by Diane Viere, Founder of Partners In Prayer For Our Prodigals, Host of The Prodigal Hope Network and Christian Counselor and Elaine Altman-Eller, Family Recovery Specialist.

If you have seen these ladies online, you might think they are just a couple of pretty faces but don't let those profile pictures fool you; they are a wealthy storehouse of wisdom. I could not stop until I read the whole e-book through and will be rereading it again. From the very beginning of the book where Elaine points out how "Enabling never creates the outcome we so desperately desire; it only creates an environment whereby we become part of the problem................. to where she says, "When we enable we join the darkness of their journey" the beauty of the words of this e-book pulled me in. She then points out how we can become a light in our child’s life; a beacon. What a wonderful picture of health! Isn't that what we all aspire to, being a light and a beacon to others?

Elaine gives clear definitions between helping someone and enabling, something we all need to know. She talks about entitlement calling it the monster that it is.
There are several case studies that were very in-depth. You feel like you have either been there or know someone who has.

Next in the book your E-Hope coach, Diane, is introduced and she has the most awesome remedies for your dilemma if you are an enabler. She reiterates; "There is a way out—we must stop enabling and begin empowering. We are not helpless; oh, it has seemed so, for we have been fighting an impossible battle—we have been trying to change what we cannot change. Real change is possible when we choose to stop enabling."

I also love her quote "When you love an adult child whose life is out of control, it is nearly impossible to focus on anything else. Unless and until you begin to understand that enabling only complicates every situation and causes further collateral damage, you will continue to be part of the problem."
Can you believe as an enabler you are creating damage and are part of the problem? Of course, we don't want to believe these things but Diane has nailed the problem, and it may be us, not just our loved ones.
Diane also mentioned: "Until parents relinquish the need to micro-manage everyone in their addicts life, they will remain entangled in the drama and continue to participate in the collateral damage of enabling."

She teaches about fear and how to turn that into empowerment. A great point is "After all, it is his right as an adult to behave differently than I would like."

In Diane's own words: The Sights and Sounds of Enabling puts the spotlight on the ineffectiveness and collateral damage caused by enabling. Discover why enabling never works and how you can stop enabling today. Step out of the darkness of your hopelessness today; step into your strength—learn how to love your addict effectively and become a guiding light for their recovery.

I identified with so many things written, as in "been there, done that" and am trying to not continue on that path. I believe this e-book can help us in so many areas of our lives.

You will not regret the money you spend on this e-book. It is way cheaper than a counseling session but I believe it is just as beneficial. Enjoy!

Here is a link to purchase the e-book:

http://www.partnersinprayerforourprodigals.com/e-booklets.html

PartnersInPrayerForOurProdigals.com


©2011 Diane Viere, Partners in Prayer for Our Prodigals,

The Prodigal Hope Network, Elaine Altman-Eller

Broken People

Many people are broken and hurting and need love, prayers and support groups. I belong to several groups and find hope and healing in each one. The Winning Women Bible Study group where the ladies held me up in prayer for years, was the first group. Several years ago I joined another group as mentioned in the article and I now am happy to be a part of Celebrate Recovery. My husband, Bill, teaches a recovery message at Men of Destiny in St. Cloud, FL. Recovery is alive and well in the State of Florida:)
Thanks to Beth Patch at CBN.com for including me, today. There are some great resources on this site for hurting and broken people!

Happy Sunday

A great quote for the day: “How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong, because someday you will have been all of these." – George Washington Carver
Happy Sunday! Bill has been ministering at Men of Destiny and we are going to another graduation ceremony today. To God be the Glory!